Changes for Storymama

Growth itself contains the germ of happiness. -Pearl S. Buck

For me, the most challenging decisions are those that I make between two really good, exciting, beautiful alternatives.  Perhaps when I'm faced with this kind of decision I ought to think, "Gosh, I really can't lose here!  I'll just pick one.  No big deal."  Instead, I find myself tortured by that fact that after I make my choice, one of these good, exciting, beautiful alternatives will no longer exist.

I do love change, in many forms.  I love moving my furniture, painting my walls, trying a new recipe.  But making big changes to a life that is already full, satisfying, and lovely...no!  I question, resist, cling and grieve.

Such has been my springtime.

Yet, somehow, I have chosen a change.  Goodness, it's so big.  Every person in my family will be deeply affected, as well as about half the folks in my community.  My little engine has leapt the rails is chugging off into unknown territory, with the train cars of my loved ones bobbing along behind.  

Friends, I have a job!  Beginning on September 2, I will be the first grade teacher at the Santa Fe Waldorf School.  I'll have a beautiful class of 17 bright-eyed little ones, a lovely classroom with red curtains and pink walls, a much bigger chalkboard, and a much bigger....well, everything.  I'll have a salary.  And an alarm clock.  I'll be wearing a watch and professional attire and I won't be nursing my toddler while teaching form drawing.  

My children won't be in my class.  Thanks to tuition remission, they will be in the classes of other teachers: wonderful, creative, inspired, experienced teachers.  They wil be thriving, I am sure.  But, dear God, I am going to miss them.  Sometimes I think I'll hardly be able to bear it.  Perhaps only those of you who have homeschooled will understand this, but it's just really hard to think of teaching to a class that doesn't hold my own children.  Nevertheless, this I will do.

Why?  There isn't an easy answer.  If homeschooling wasn't working for us it would be easy to explain.  If I were burned out, frustrated and just plain done, it would have been an clear choice.  But I love homeschooling!  I love our classroom, our rituals, songs, and verses.  It's a privilege to be teacher to my children and get to witness their unfolding, their struggles, and aha moments. And I love our community.  Our homeschool coop is a thing of pure beauty, a group in which I feel completely at home. And it's not a purely financial decision.  Yes, we are broke.  But we've been broke for years.  We're good at it. So why?

The only real answer is that it is in me to do this.  That's all.  There is a teacher being inside me who wants expression, even if many other parts of me protest and say, Not yet!  Yes, I do want this.  I want to be a teacher at a Waldorf school.  I want to learn more, grow more, encompass more.  While I wouldn't say that I am ambitious, I know that I am greedy for learning.  I strive.  Which is not to say that there is no more learning for me in homeschooling.  I have am far from a master of this work.  I could continue to homeschool for another decade and still find growth and learning.  The challenges are so real and the rewards are so deep.

But here I am, ready for a change.  In November, it will be a decade since I quit my former teaching job to devote my full attention to mothering, homemaking and, later, homesteading and homeschooling.  These ten years have changed me beyond anything I could have imagined.  I am deeper, steadier, and happier.  I am more direct, less fearful, more creative and courageous.  I live in a web of vibrant community and deep abiding family love.  Perhaps it is this level of safety and security that I experience in my life that allows me the sense of freedom to take this bold step.

In a few hours we leave for California where I'll be training at Rudolf Steiner College.  The van is packed (almost).  Everything fits (almost).  We will be gone for seven weeks. 

Wish me luck.  I will keep you posted.

 

photo by Rebecca Kunz

Comments

[Christine]

Wow, what an inspirational story of transition. Making choices between two (good) alternatives is always so gut-wrenching, especially when we have spent the last 10 years on one path! But there is that little something inside that nudges us on. Enjoy your training!

[Jennifer Ferraro]

Seems totally meant to be! You have a serious gift my dear, and the universe knows it. Now, more children will benefit, and it will grow even richer and deeper. How amazing the journey! I hope it will be full of richness and steady unfoldment into beauty.... Yay for adventure!

[Rachel]

Congratulations Brenna! What an exciting new adventure! I look forward to reading about it. Best, Rachel

[Jillian]

There are so many who will be supporting you and holding you up, both for your sake and for the children. Issa joins me in marveling at the twists and turns of destiny. And... I just read about Ida in the morning paper - couldn't stop crying but am so proud of her and hurting and rejoicing with you.